Misplaced Expectations & Emotional Discernment
Not everyone can give you what you need; that’s okay.
Quick note: If you’re curious about men’s work, I’m hosting three drop-in circles online on April 18, April 27/28, & May 4th.
I’ll also be guiding a 10-week men’s group starting May 11. More on that at the bottom of this post.
Okay, now to today’s story and teaching…
"Look, I am your guitar teacher. Nothing more."
Ouch. I want to cry, but I hold back and just nod. I had asked him personal questions completely unrelated to guitar, hoping to establish a deeper connection.
He's right. But something inside of me aches because there's so much more that I want from him.
It's 2020, the middle of the pandemic. I'm going through some sort of dark night of the soul. I’m in pain, a lot of pain. My mental and physical health are not very stable, and I'm looking for emotional support anywhere I can find it. Yes, even from my guitar teacher.
Unable to tour, my favorite musician began offering one-on-one guitar lessons online. To say I was excited for this opportunity was an understatement. I was thrilled.
Like any fan who has glorified their idols, I had put him on a pedestal.
Spoiler alert: Putting someone on a pedestal is a recipe for disaster.
So there I was, eager to learn guitar, but hoping for so much more. I wanted his approval. I wanted him to like me, and I secretly wanted him to ask me to join his band so I could permanently go on tour with him and be his best buddy FOREVER. YES! We'd be bandmates, brothers, and he'd be my lifelong mentor…
I think you can see where this is going…
I took lessons with him for a few months, and it greatly improved my guitar skills. Ultimately, I dropped out. It wasn’t what I needed at the time.
This taught me a valuable lesson: The people we admire aren't necessarily equipped to be the people we need, no matter how much we wish they were.
Doctors Are Doctors; Firemen Are Firemen
A similar lesson resurfaced last month in a session with my coach (who, unfortunately, knows nothing about guitar). I shared that I was keeping certain feelings from a family member because they couldn't provide the support I needed.
"That's a skillful choice," she explained.
"There's a timing for things. It's not lying, but part of being self-responsible is being able to be reliable in protecting your vulnerability and your interest, and to do that you have to be able to see others clearly and see where your resources are.”
This hit home.
See, it's a skill to choose who to go to for support and who to share things with. This involves being able to see your limits and honor theirs.
Children learn at a young age that when there's a fire, you go to the fireman. You don't go to the doctor when there's a fire. Firemen are firemen, and doctors are doctors.
As adults, we need to learn this, too. Certain things are good to share with certain people.
There are some friends who can be with you in the nitty-gritty stuff. Other friends are great to go out with. You just have to know who somebody is. Then, you can celebrate who they are and appreciate them more.
This applies for professional relationships, too. It would be preposterous to ask your accountant for relationship advice or to ask your therapist for accounting advice!
With friends and family, this can get sticky. Sometimes, you may want things from people simply because you love them or because they happen to be there when your need arises. But that doesn't mean they are the right people to turn to.
Simply put, it's a skill to know who to share what with. The more you practice, the better you get at it. But remember, it's a skill; don't confuse it with hiding or being weak.
For example, men's circles provide valuable peer camaraderie and space to process many issues collectively. And, some vulnerable topics are better addressed with a professional in a one-on-one setting. Both have their place.
Discernment isn't about shutting people out; it's about knowing where to turn when certain needs arise. As you grow this skill, you stop resenting people for who they aren't and start appreciating them for who they are.
Once I got over my disappointment with my guitar teacher (in truth, it did take a few years), I was able to truly appreciate the musical advice he gave me. I never joined his band, but once I let go of my expectations, I could finally appreciate what he did offer me: damn good guitar lessons.
Reflection Questions:
Where am I expecting support from someone who isn’t able to give me what I need?
Who are the "specialists" in my support network? What unique gifts does each person bring?
What do I need right now, and who am I meant to receive that from?
10 Week Online Men’s Circle
For Men Who:
Crave meaningful male friendships that go beyond surface conversations
Want to get better at naming, feeling, and expressing emotions in real-time connections with others
Understand that meaningful change takes time, and that walking the path with others makes it more sustainable
Are aware that their emotional range can extend beyond "hungry," "tired," and "horny"
Have finally realized that punching walls isn't an effective communication strategy 🤣
Not ready to commit for 10 weeks? Click here to explore a free drop-in circle.